First, who is Rjyan Kidwell a.k.a. Cex? Well I direct you here and here. He has been a favorite musician of mine since I heard his track “At Least I Can Say I Tried” off of his album Role Model. I didn’t realize until my second year in Baltimore that he was not only inhabiting the same city but also performing at old warehouse parties which students often frequent. I began to attend shows and lectures when I could. In the process Rjyan became one of the artists I currently respect and admire most.

Rjyan Kidwell, originally uploaded by frankie two thumbs.

In response to the school shootings and lack of media coverage, Rjyan wrote a blog post a couple weeks ago trying to rally young artists to create real art, confronting issues that are so commonly avoided in mass denial, to foster cultural change. Having similar goals with my work I felt compelled to ask him for a critique. He agreed and visited my studio on Sunday. I didn’t take notes because I really wanted to make sure I was in the moment. Needless to say I was also nervous enough that holding a pen would have just made my shaking hand more evident.

Here is everything I currently remember.

• - brought up the idea that people can look at this, be inspired and actually have the ability to go home and do it themselves. allows a certain level of accessibility.
• - the photographs are me. not just for school, but looking at them he knows he is looking at me, my image, my creation even if I’m not the one in the photograph. it is my story and it is obvious that it is important to me.
• - extremely sophisticated in comparison to the current trend of cutting, scarification. refreshing.
• - the more ambiguous the image is, the more it stings the viewer. the more trapped they are looking at it. trying to figure out what part of the body they are looking at. what the material is. it’s messy and entangled.
• - ambiguity also works because we are so used to seeing images that instantly tell us what they are in an effort to sell us something.
• - when more of my body is visible or it is apparent that we are looking at a wrist it becomes easier for the viewer to make an automatic dismissal of the image.
• - asking for a video, for me to tone it down, a demonstration . . . can all be considered manifestations of the viewer’s own denial. they need me to walk them through it, to help them understand why i would do this to myself.
• - if people can’t say anything about my work, it is a good thing. it means i’m being affective. it also means that i am being successful enough that people can’t say anything bad just to make themselves feel better.
• - freak people out now. this is when i have the audience (classmates) that have to look at my work.
• - know that more doesn’t mean a linear progression from the beginning, it just means the same idea with more. know that it’s more and also think about what it would be to do less.
• - we’ll always be afraid until we do confront it, so why not confront it on our own terms? it will creep up on us later and just be worse.

This week has served as a confidence boost. I am now extremely excited to keep moving. My ideas are constantly flowing. My only worry is that I don’t actually have the time to follow through with everything.

As part of my current Senior Thesis studio practice I am trying to open up dialogue about certain taboo subjects in my life. My cousin’s Multiple Sclerosis is one of them. I have recently asked her to write me an email about some of the mental and emotional frustrations that she faces.

MS is something a lot of people cannot see because most of the time this disease shows no symptoms on the outside. This makes it very difficult for other people to understand. When people look at me they do not see the pain and misery that I go through. They think that because you look okay that you feel okay. So much of this is my brain telling my body how to feel and how to think and cannot be controlled by meds or therapy. It makes me feel helpless to know that I have tried every medicine available and that none of them have worked. The doctors tell me that something should come soon that I can try again but being sick and playing a guessing game on how I will feel that day takes a toll on you. From my skin constantly feeling like it is being stuck with thousands of pins all over to my skin pulling so tight that it feels like it is being stretched like a deer hide.

People take little things for granted that I have to struggle with every day. Not being able to comb my hair cause it makes me cry because of the pain. Not being able to style my hair because my arms become weak and feel like rubber and give out. I cannot wear sunglasses when it is sunny, hats when it is cold, or sometimes a ponytail because even when you take them off they leave a pressure feeling on my head which I can still feel hours later. I cannot open jars. I cannot squeeze shampoo bottles. I have troubles concentrating. My memory is being affected. I can’t remember where I put things. I can’t remember people’s names when you pass them at the store. Sometimes I just forget completely what I am doing.

This is a disease of frustration. It makes me depressed. It makes me cry. It makes me just want to curl into a ball and fall asleep but knowing that I may wake up and fall flat on my face or not may be able to see and be worse off than when I closed my eyes is frightening. Until they come up with something to help me I just have to live life minute by minute and hope that I can function.

My cousin in 1983.